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Lyn's Blog on Everyday Life
Monday, March 6, 2006
So out of it
Yea, lately I have just been changing, and I can't handle it much longer. I talked to my BF last night, and basically, if I go off one more time he is going to have to "leave me until I get better" He's upset at me for not getting out of the house when I could have easily. I thought I was doing the right thing, but apparently I was wrong.....I am always wrong, no matter what I do. I thought my life was getting to good to be true. I can never do anything right, and if anyone tries to convince me different will get there heads bitten off and be driven insane. Because thats all I do, drive people insane, and thats never ever ever ever going to stop! I promised him I wouldn't kill myself, I wouldn't hurt myself or anything like that, but I wish people would see how much it hurts when they make me do those promises. I get relief from hurting myself, thats the only relief I can have, my parents are abusing Ass holes, who only pick on me, and thats just how I was taught, you get hurt, it all will go away. I am so tempted to burn myself again, but "I promised I wouldn't" which sucks fucking ass! I think I might just go back to rubber bands, I NEED SOMETHING PEOPLE!!!! I CAN'T JUST QUIT LIKE THIS!!!! So yea, I am being driven insane by my lack of outlet because of all the fucking promises I made, I just need to learn to say Hell No. my mom was yelling at me today because apparently I'm "the fattest person alive" and I need to lose wieght and stop eating. I've tried not eating before and I passed out at school. Maybe I should try again. I just don't know anymore. Maybe I should jsut run away, and let no one, not a soul, where I am. Just leave forever. I can't stand this anymore, and I never ever ever want to have to deal with this again. My family conselours won't get me out, so maybe I will have to take Sebastians offer. That's the only way I can keep Matt, is if I get out of my hosue, that way he won't worry anymore and I won't drive him crazy. I try to hide that fact that it really hurt me when he said that last night because then he'll go "oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to" and all that making me feel worse because I have to sit there and convince him of a lie. I just can't handle this Bullshit anymore I am seriously considering running away, and not just until curfew either, never turning back, running away. Not telling anyone, even Matt, where I am and where I'm going. But alas, I can't because it will break peoples hearts and I can't live with myself doing that. Why the hell do I have to be so nice for? I should worry about myself first, but I can never do that, never ever ever. Wish someone would jsut shoot me. But wait, I can't even say that, because that will get peole worried too, let me just say what everyone wants me to say, like a puppet.

"I'm okay, life is perfect, and I could never be better, so there is nothing to worry about."

There, Happy?

Posted by fcla16 (lyn) at 10:02 AM EST
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